


Punishing Loki

by Donya



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Dark Thor, Gen, Loki gets more than he deserves, Pain, Punishment, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 16:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enough is enough. Thor punishes Loki and it changes both of them. </p><p>Post Avengers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thor

Thor did not stop until he was exhausted and his limbs trembled with with strain. Only then, not sooner, did he let go of Loki. Not when he thought it was enough, no, he prolonged the punishment, stretched that moment in time in order to be sure Loki would never overstep his boundaries again. He told himself that one harsh lesson would be better than two more lenient. The air was filled with the sour smell of sweat and blood.Thor forced himself to breathe it in, so as he would not fall next to his brother. Loki was lying on the floor, face down, like a broken toy, struggling to inhale and exhale through his clenched throat, raw with endless screams. Thor took off his muzzle half way through, when Loki almost suffocated; he thought the crying would burn his ears, yet he managed to ignore the pain-filled 'Thorthorthor'. He stopped for a second after the word 'brother' fell heavy between them, almost did it make Thor question his actions but then he remembered what had happened in Midgard, how Loki had deceived him and continued with the punishment.

Now Loki was at his feet, gasping for air, defeated. Thor rested his left foot on Loki's back, eliciting a pained cry. It was coming to an end but Thor wished to make it last just a little bit longer, humiliate Loki even more, savour his utter defeat.

  
'Now, dear brother, tell me what we learnt today,' demanded, knowing well that Loki loathed nothing more than doing what he was told to. Thor was certain that Loki realised the unspoken threat behind his words, hence his surprise mixed with the rising anger when Loki said nothing. Still resisting? At that point he should have known the consequences. Thor grabbed a handful of the black hair, twisted it around his fist and gave a tug as a warning. Loki kept panting but not a word from his lying mouth. Thor knew how to change that. He pulled Loki's hair, making him arch his back, at the same time pressing his foot to Loki's spine.

  
'Ah, Loki, you were not listening.' Another sharp pull. 'What have we learnt?'

  
Thor paused for a moment, letting Loki gather his feverish thoughts and recall simple sentences Thor had tortured him with. Loki attempted distracting Thor with tearful whimpers but as it had not worked earlier, it changed nothing now as well. Thor felt a rush of adrenaline running through him. Maybe another round was not a bad idea. His free hand cupped Loki's exposed throat, no pressure, no squeezing, just a light touch. However, Loki _remembered_ and shivered violently, letting out a panicked sob.

  
'Now that I got your attention, dear, tell me what you learnt.'

Stubborn. Always so stubborn. Loki kept quiet. Thor slightly pressed his palm to Loki's throat, just to remind him of what might follow. Loki opened his mouth, his lips trembling.

'Loki, do not test my patience. This is your last chance. Did you not learn anything?'

  
Silence so deep he could hear their heartbeats.

  
'You think you can win this?'

  
One more yank and Loki mumbled something. Finally they were getting closer. Perhaps he needed some assistance. Thor was always eager to help. Slowly, slowly he curled his fingers and dug his nails into the sweaty skin of Loki's neck. Not too deep but enough to make Loki gasp. He squirmed beneath Thor, trying to ease the pressure of Thor's nails, in vain. His lips moved to utter a breathless plea. Not the answer Thor expected, his nails now raking Loki's neck. 

  
'Th-Thor,' came a barely audible whisper. Thor could not help but smile.

  
'Yes, this is my name but if you remember-'

  
'A-AH!'

  
'Oh. I am sorry, have I touched a raw nerve? If you remember, Loki, I have asked you a question. Answer it now, or you can forget about leaving this room for a long time.'

  
Loki cleared his throat, closed his eyes and  finally he choked out:

  
'I-I am not th-the k-i-ing.'

  
'Good boy. What else?'

  
'I-I will s-stay away from Mid-d-gard.'

  
'And?'

  
'I-it is entirely my-y f-fault'

  
'Go on.'

  
'Th-these a-are the consequen-ces.'

'Anything else?'

  
'It-it is for my o-own good.'

  
'One more.'

  
'I-I can't- I don't- remem-AH!'

  
'Know my mercy, Loki. Why did I punish you?'

  
'I for-forced you to. It- it was your d-duty as my... m-my-'

  
'Brother. Perfect. Would you like to add something?'

  
'I-I apologise. Th-Thor, please forgive me. Thor, pleaseforgviveme, Th-th-ah-Thor, please.'

  
'See? It was not that difficult, was it.' One deep breath and Thor let go of Loki's hair and stepped back. 'I forgive you. We are done now, you can stand up.'

  
But Loki did not move. He could not be comfortable on the cold stone floor, yet remained there, utter misery. Thor was almost sure Loki was playing a victim now. His words might be heavy with helpless despair but his eyes most certainly were smiling. He needed to see it.

  
'On your back,' Thor commanded loudly.

  
Loki began to sob again, his body tensed, hands curled and pressed to the sides of his face, hiding from Thor, as if he read his mind.

  
'Th-or p-plea-please, stop-' Loki repeated hysterically. Would you look at that, Thor thought, such a witty creature and now his vocabulary reduced to faint pleas.

  
'I told you I stopped. On your back.'

  
'-stop, plea-please, no more...' Loki continued, as if he did not hear his brother.

  
Thor was most puzzled. He did expect some resistance, even after the final part of the punishment, yet he rather thought about venomous curses. Loki he knew loathed showing his weakness. A sudden thought hit Thor: did he go too far? Was he too cruel? Did he break Loki? Impossible. No, no. Loki was just trying to manipulate him. Yes, he must have thought he could make Thor pity him, take advantage of Thunderer's guilty conscience. But Thor was past this. He was now stronger, immune to Loki's tricks. For the first time.

 

Once he forced Loki on his back, Thor leaned over him, gazing at the tears-stained face. Loki was almost convincing, the signs of his self-control gone. The way he avoided

Thor's eyes, all of a sudden too timid to meet his gaze, confirmed it was another of his games. Real Loki would never lower himself to decline a challenge.

  
'Stop-p, please, Th-or, stop.'

  
'You were not listening again, I already said we are done.'

  
Sheer panic in Loki's voice, the lack of reaction to Thor's words- that annoyed the older brother beyond reason. He wanted to grab those slim shoulders and give a good shake. Instead, Thor reached out to brush the black hair from Loki's face. Softly, slowly, yet Loki instantly jerked away, shielding his face with hands. Thor froze, shocked by the undeniable panic emanating from the Trickster.

  
'What are you playing at, Loki,' Thor asked angrily, seizing his wrists and forcing them apart. 'You are not fooling me this time, stop this nonsense now or I-'

  
'Please, p-please, Thor,' Loki was truly obstinate. Unless... Thor let go of him and again moved his hand towards Loki's face. Another uncontrolled spasm. Thor hestitated for a second, then gently stroked Loki's cheek with his index finger only, astonished by the trembling it caused. Most fascinating. Loki was frightened; avoided his touch, expecting the worst. The same Loki that mocked him for centuries, the one that would never admit his defeat. The one who got himself into trouble, knowing Thor would always save him. Thor stilled as realisation flooded him. He did break Loki.

 

Thor was confused. Loki was a true mystery. He always seemed to outwit Thor. Having defeated him numerous times in a fight, Thor had an awful feeling Loki simply hid the real extend of his power, letting others think him a weakling. Now, however, Loki was as vulnerable as a child. Was it Thanos's fault? Or Hulk's? Perhaps all of his recent failures took their toll. It did not matter. What mattered was the necessity of taking a full advantage of his current state. Thor's mind was flooded with various scenarios, one more thrilling than another. All those times when Thor secretly plotted his revenge on Loki, now it was finally the time to make it come true. Now Thor would silence all those who taunted him through ages, ridiculing his affection for Loki. Malicious comments whispered in the hallways. 'Oh, Thor wants to punish Loki. What will he do, pat his back? Pull his ear?' A sudden vision of throwing bloodied Loki to the floor in the throne chamber filled with the members of the court left Thor shivering. YES. What a warning for traitors. No one would ever betray Thor, not after seeing what he did to Loki. Splendid. Finally some good use of the Trickster. Odin would be proud. At last Thor overcame his weakness. But what if this result was only temporary? Thor grinned to himself. Then, _then_ he could repeat the process.

As much as it pleased Thor to hear Loki begging for mercy, it began to annoy him eventually. High-pitched, stuttered pleas pierced his brain. Loki never stopped being a child, all it took was to scratch the surface and there he was, a cranky, bawling toddler.

  
'Silence, Loki.'

  
A muffled sob escaped Loki's mouth and it made him look apologetic, to Thor's utter amazement. Yet he did feel obliged to press harder, to check how honest with his new attitude Loki was.

  
'Not a single sound from you now, Loki. You can only answer my questions from now on.'

  
Loki nodded his understanding, yet he could not calm down on demand. Yet another broken sob and Thor's right palm covered Loki's mouth. Loki tried to escape his touch, move his head to both sides, part his lips; Thor increased the pressure. Loki shut his eyes, now lying motionlessly, after a while his breathing finally evened. Once again Loki submitted to his brother and the white-hot satisfaction made Thor sneer. Loki did not use his hands to fight Thor, no. The result was the opposite of what Loki might have expected. Instead of calming Thor down, he only provoked him.

  
'I see one tear and I am doing this again, do you hear me?'

  
The point was not to execute the threat but to scare Loki, to limit his freedom, metaphorically tie his hands down. Moreover, in case Loki was merely pretending, pushing all his buttons would finally make him lose control and give Thor a pretext to resume the punishment. Thor knew very well what Loki hated most. Compliance. Physical proximity. Silence. Unable to make those sarcastic comments of his, Loki might die of his own venom that filled him from top to bottom. What a way to die.

  
Thor bent forward, studying Loki's face. On command, he opened his eyes and with reluctance or fear, looked at Thor. It was perfect. That moment, the unlimited, infinite power over Loki, his submission. For the time being, it was only Thor who saw him overpowered; ever so troublesome, now he was passive under Thor's hand. Red blotches on his cheeks, dark bruises under his eyes, blood diluted with tears drying on his skin. Thor loved this new Loki. He could get used to seeing him like this.

 

Thor moved his hand from Loki's mouth to his chin, holding it firmly.

  
'Who am I, Loki?'

  
A simple question with a dozen of possible answers but Loki understood. Resisting only for a couple of seconds, he whispered bitterly:

  
'My brother'

  
'Once again. Tell me who I am'

  
'You're my brother'

  
'And again'

  
'Thor, you are my brother.'

  
'I should not take so much pleasure in this but if you do not mind, please say it again.'

  
'You are my brother. Thor, please, stop this.'

  
'No. No, I do not think so. Not now, when you made it so interesting. Little Loki, doing what you are told. For the very first time, I suppose. Who would I be I would just let you go, now, that I finally taught you your place.'

  
'Thor, I beg of you.'

  
'Silence.'

  
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Thor's hand slid down, tracing the marks of Loki's punishment, pressing down every now and then, enough to make Loki flinch. It was maddening. Addictive. He did promise it was over. 

 

'Roll over'

  
'Th-thor.'

  
'It will hurt more if I will need to do this.'

  
Back on his stomach, Loki breathed heavily in anticipation.

  
'Would you like to know whom I blame for your madness?' Thor's finger travelled over a broken rib. 'Our mother. She always told me: "He's just a child. You need to be wiser, more patient", leading you astray by her leniency. She made me think I could gain your respect by treating you as my equal. Now-'

  
'AHH!'

  
'- now I am willing to change my mind. You know? I am well aware that you have no respect towards me, none whatsoever. You, always choosing the harder way. Very well, then, from now on you shall-'

  
'No, Thor, I- AH!'

  
'-you shall obey me, you shall honour my wishes out of fear. You think yourself above me, maybe your mischievous little brain will comprehend the language of force.'

  
Thor could tell Loki struggled not to move, not to fuel Thor's rage but his body twitched against his will. Last glimpse of compassion and Thor stopped crawling Loki, forcing a deafening scream that shook the palace.

  
'You are allowed to breathe only out of my kindness.'

  
'THOR!'

  
'You have disgraced me for the last time!'

  
'THOR STOP!'

  
'You will learn not to start something you cannot finish.'

  
'THOR!'

  
'This is the end of you open disdain for me.'

  
'PLEASE!'

  
'I have a secret, Loki. Ask me what it is.'

  
'What-ah! What is it?'

  
'I find hurting you to be most satisfying.'

 

A quiet knock at the door. Frigga, anxious and impatient. A very first witness of his victory. A person responsible for spoiling Loki. Splendid. Thor let her in. Frigga gasped seeing Loki curled up on the reddened floor. No one said anything. Frigga slowly came closer, her hands reached out to soothe Loki but he, of course, almost jumped away, avoiding any contact with her, even his eyes turned to the side. 'Loki!' Frigga cried out, kneeling beside him. Now she could see every sign of the punishment, carved in the pale skin. 'Loki,' she whispered, the tips of her fingers brushed against his cheek. He shrugged and pulled away from her. She stood up, clenched her fists and glared at Thor.

  
'What did you to Loki, Thor?'

Then they heard Loki laugh.


	2. Loki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All dark Thor bits and pieces I could think of.
> 
> Beta'ed by bullshittastic. Thank you. And thanks to Neptunium for her attempt at beta'ing this chapter.

 

At the beginning, Thor asked if Loki felt any remorse for his deeds. Loki chuckled under his muzzle and rolled his eyes. Oh Thor. Always so naive and soft. Loki, in fact, was already planning his vengeance, during the journey to Asgard, as well as when Odin took away his magic. The thought of ruining Asgard and those that he used to call his family kept him from showing apprehension. Loki knew his composure irritated Thor, who wished to be feared. Oh Thor.

'Very well, then,' Thor continued after Loki's wordless and disrespectful answer. 'You have just chosen your fate. You are forcing me to do something I do not want. I will make you regret all of your countless wrongs. Now I will give you a set of phrases and after a proper time, you will repeat them to me.'

And he began to recite that nonsense about Loki not being a king, staying away from Midgard and his fault. Loki could not imagine uttering such lies, although lying was his domain. Thor would be so disappointed, maybe afterwards he would hide in his chambers and cry silently over Loki not loving him back.

Once the six phrases were spoken, twice for Loki's convenience, Thor stood up, looming over Loki who could not even pretend he was scared. Oh, big Thor, so intimidating.

'I really do not want to do this,' Thor lied swiftly. Loki knew he had been dreaming about this moment. Now, that Loki became a villain and no one would blame Thor for hurting him, nothing held him back anymore. Loki gave him a challenging look, come Thor, don't be shy.

Loki was not prepared for what followed. Too fast, too much. It became increasingly more difficult to remain calm. Thor was unexpectedly ferocious. Loki stubbornly decided to endure this without satisfying his vanity with undignified pleading. That was what Thor really wanted, yet Loki would never show his weakness. He could avoid further disciplining by asking for forgiveness, calling Thor 'brother' or crying but it was beneath him.

Only when his mouth filled with blood did he realise he bit his tongue. He had been chewing on it to remain quiet and at one point his jaw clenched spasmodically. He hated the taste of blood, sickly and coppery, swallowing it was a torture. He was still bleeding, one disgusting mouthful after another till he felt nauseous. Thor did not give him any respite and before long Loki found himself choking on his own blood, coughing and suffocating under the muzzle. What a shameful death it would be.

Thor was not as blinded as Loki thought and did remove the muzzle before it was too late. Loki kept his mouth open as the blood dripped on the floor. When it finally stopped, Loki demanded water, so certain that Thor would take pity on him. Thor, however, jeered at him:

'Water! And what else, wine maybe? You are such a pampered little princess, expecting to receive everything you want, not bothering to even use the word "please". Loki, you will say please and you will mean it.'

Without the muzzle avoiding whimpering became a major challenge. Loki tried to focus on the stained window, the light blue sky behind it, reciting old spells in his mind, although none of them would work now, the texture of the cold floor under his fingers. It helped for a short time, the pain gradually clouded his thoughts. Soon he did not know what was he looking at, perhaps his eyes were closed, did he only think about the spells or did he actually speak them aloud? In a little while Loki seriously considered using the _magic_ word 'brother' that would melt Thor. Loki could deal with his injured ego later. Yes. Yes.

'Brother.'

Thor stopped but only for a heartbeat. Loki felt panic rising in him. It always worked, a reason for his endless mockery. Thor had a soft spot for affectionate endearments, especially when it was Loki who uttered them. How could Thor continue so mercilessly, it was not as painful as it was shocking. Of the two of them, Loki was the manipulator, doing whatever he wished with Thor. Loki tried again, insincere begging highly unpleasant and more importantly, ineffective. In disbelief, Loki began to frantically repeat Thor's six phrases. No effect. Thor would not stop. He would not stop. In desperation, Loki allowed himself to cry and scream, loudly and pathetically, telling himself it was merely a show to break Thor. The sky darkened, Loki had no idea how long it already lasted, his self-control was just a memory. Loki missed the point where his weeping became real, he meant every word he exclaimed at the top of his voice. A hot wave of hysteria washed through him. What if it was not Thor? It would explain his resistance to Loki's tricks. Loki managed to cast a glance over his shoulder and gasped. It was Thor. In that case, something else must have been wrong. The words. He might have formulated his pleading only in his mind. He could not tell if he had heard his voice. Or maybe those words of remorse were suddenly devoid of meaning? More consciously, Loki cried out:

'Thor, brother, please, stop.'

Thor did exactly the opposite, forcing a dramatic wail out of Loki. He was not able to think rationally anymore and tried to escape, Thor did not approve of that. Then, in a short moment that felt like an eternity, something changed. Loki's breathing reduced to shallow and fast gasps, his skin covered with cold sweat, he began to shiver. I am dying, he realised. Abrupt silence, did he pass away already? His heart beat too rapidly, he could hear his blood running through him. No control over his limbs, at least he stopped begging. His mouth was open but he made no sound.

Trapped in the overwhelming sensations, Loki did not notice when Thor stopped. The pain was still paralysing, Loki was confused, Thor's demands never processed by his sluggish brain. Loki only guessed it was the moment of repeating the phrases when Thor wordlessly threatened to strangle him. Loki could not help stuttering, words divided by his ragged breathing. He had never been that honest in his whole life. Thor must have appreciated that because he finally did let go of Loki. Only then did Loki see the dark red pool drying on the floor beneath him, his arms and hands covered with wounds he did not remember getting. With disgust, he realised it was no one else but him who did that- by biting and digging his nails into his own flesh. He was holding something- a handful of his own hair in each hand.

 

* * *

 

Everytime Loki was unwell, he secretly wished to wrap his arms around his mother, close his eyes and pretend he was a child again. He could hear her asking: 'You want mama to hold you?' with tenderness that always made his eyes water. However, when Thor let Frigga in and she reached out to him, Loki panicked. It was absolutely involuntary, that twitch, he hated admitting his fear, he hated the self-satisfied look on Thor's face, a job well done, Loki was broken to the point where he could not trust anyone. Even his own mother.

Thor, when asked what had happened, smiled broadly and without any regret answered proudly, 'I fixed him.'

Seeing Thor that pleased with himself, Loki could not help but laugh bitterly:

'I have created a monster.'

Having heard himself saying that, Loki understood how true it was and his laugh turned to sobbing. He did create a monster. He corrupted Thor. They broke each other. This time there was no going back, Thor crossed the line and Loki would never forget about it. Regardless of what the future would bring, he would always remember lying at his feet. He used to mock Thor for his being soft, now the softness was gone and Loki regretted that. He knew it was no one else but him who pushed Thor to the breaking point.

 

* * *

 

Loki could tell Thor was not prepared for the results of the punishment. Loki being inert or crying did startle him. He had dozens of ideas how to take the fullest advantage of the situation, too excited, too impatient to fulfill all of them, sometimes discarting one idea after already starting it. Loki could hardly blame him, Thor must have dreamt about this for ages.

Loki had no idea if he was making it worse or not. Did his submissiveness keep him from more pain or did it only fuel Thor's sick imagination? He could not predict the result of rebelling against Thor now. Thor might have quitted tormenting him, having realised Loki could be dangerous. Thor might have punished him so severely he would never make any decision on his own. Loki did not have time to dwell upon this. He was exhausted most of the time, too absorbed in pitying himself.

 

* * *

 

Thor never let him enter a meditative state, shut off all of his senses, no, he made Loki participate, forced him to punish himself in a way. Moreover, after some time, Thor realised that breaking Loki's body was not enough and proceeded to doing the same with Loki's mind. As resistant to such treatment Loki used to be in the past, now he fell right into the trap. When Loki was in pain and could not think about anything else, when he was that vulnerable Thor would fill his fogged mind with his ideas and beliefs. Loki would automatically repeat to avoid any more pain, unconsciously letting Thor change him.

'You are mine, Loki.'

'I am yours,' he echoed without hesitation and Thor beamed.

'I am doing this only to protect you.'

'You are protecting me.'

'I am. You need to be protected from yourself, you tend to harm yourself, put your life in danger.'

'I do.'

'You shall not leave this room.'

'I shan't,' Loki's voice was flat, devoid of any emotion. Everything, everything to get into Thor's good graces.

'I am trying to reform you, to fix you. I am helping you, Loki.'

'You are.'

 

* * *

 

Kneeling on the floor, Loki was completely immobilised, Thor's right hand covering his eyes, the other one on his mouth. Thor was behind him and having ensured that Loki would neither speak nor see anything, he began to whisper right in his ear. Loki shuddered, that soft tone more frightening than a yell. Bound like this, helpless, Loki could not fight and was exposed to the poisonous words he was offered.

'You are mine, Loki. I will help you, even against your will. I do not need your consent, we both know I am your king and thus you have no choice. You will never defy me, you will not protest, am I right? My little brother. You lost all of your privileges, you are not a god, you are nothing but my brother. Even if someday you will leave this room, no one would even look at you, especially not Sigyn. She knows, trust me, she knows what you are doing here and she finds you repulsive.'

Loki tried to clear his mind and ignore Thor's lies but they seemed to gather around his heart and pierce his brain. Loki tested Thor's iron grip but all he got was a maddening explosion of pain in his lower back.

'You do know I am only breaking you to put you up again. To free you from your unrealistic wishes, I need you to suffer. It is like opening an infected wound- it hurts and seems drastic but this is the only way to heal.'

'You are so vain, feeling superior to others yet here you are, on your knees, how quickly did you give up, huh? I broke you so easily, as if you actually allowed me to. Admit that, Loki, you thought about it too. You let me punish you, did you want that as much as I did? Beneath this mischievous façade, you are submissive. Waiting for someone to dominate you. I am so glad I discovered that. Or-or maybe you do not fight me because you understand it is only for your own good? Mmm? My dear? Loki, I am hurting you because I love you.'

'You always craved attention. No matter how much of it you received, you wanted more, ready to throw a tantrum if we focused on someone else. You are an attention-seeker, Loki and now you must be truly content to have my undivided attention.'

'Now open up, dear. You know it hurts more when you resist. Breathe, open up. I need you to let me in, if I am to help you, you have to let me in. You have to cooperate with me. I know it hurts, Loki, I know it hurts.'

 _Do you?_ Loki could feel his skin breaking, a hot liquid coursing down his bended legs and dripping on the floor, bleeding was unavoidable. He flinched, writhed in the tight embrace, well aware he was only making it worse. He was not ready to give in completely, he needed that illusion of control, that shadow of a choice. Thor was now practically cooing, trying to soothe Loki and it worked, what a shame. How simple it was, Loki thought bitterly, Thor quickly figured out how to make him do as he pleased by pushing the right buttons. Loki considered biting Thor's hand, still clasped over his mouth but what difference would it make, all was lost anyway.

 

* * *

 

There were times when no words were spoken, the silence broken only by Loki's crying. Most often, however, Thor made him talk, Loki was positive he wanted to add insult to injury by using words against him. Since Loki was more eloquent, deceptive, his idiolect full of ambiguous words, his sophisticated lies always smooth and hard to detect. Now he almost forgot how effortless lying used to be. Now he did not dare to be dishonest with Thor.

 

* * *

 

'Loki, why are you making it so hard for yourself? Relax.'

'I can't, I can't!'

'Of course you can. It is only worse for you when you tense your muscles, you are hurting yourself.'

_Why do you care, all of a sudden?_

'I can't!'

'Breathe deeply, that will help.'

'Thor, please, do not insist! I can't!'

'Then we shall continue until you can.'

 

* * *

 

A middle of the night, time that makes all things seem unreal. Loki struggled to keep his eyes opened when Thor described his newest idea, words appeared to come to him ages after Thor had spoken them, blurring the message. Loki was left guessing what exactly Thor meant, hoping he was not heading straight towards another disaster.

An armchair covered with furs that Loki could not remember being there, Thor sat down on it, looking as dignified as he only could, while Loki was kneeling at his feet. Thor gazed at him in silence, unmoving. Just watching. Loki began to felt uncomfortable, overly self-aware. From what he understood, he was expected to stay still, nothing more than that. Another way of stroking Thor's ego? Was Thor imagining himself sitting on the throne, looking down on his treacherous brother?

Surrealism of it grew stronger. The room was dimly lit, softening the edges, making the it look dream-like. Loki almost convinced himself that it was, in fact, a dream. Patience was not a virtue he could accuse Thor of having, yet there they were, unmoving for what seemed like hours. Thor's expression the same: harsh, as if threatening if Loki disobeyed. Loki did want the unspoken threats remain purely threats, however, his body began to tremble from strain. The dull pain of his bent knees soon vanished, as Loki stopped feeling his legs at all. Only from his perspective did he know he did not fall yet. Then, as a violent wave, a doubt stroke him. What if he misheard Thor? What if he was openly defying his brother? A paranoidal fear clenched his throat. Thor must have said something more, he could not have wanted to spend the night watching Loki kneel. And Loki was not doing what he was told. Was it too late to ask for clarification? Would it only indicate Loki's lack of focus and thus anger Thor? Which was worse? Loki could not tell. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe none of it was true. He could wait and then awake, finding himself in his comfortable bed, far from Thor.

Loki never knew if he followed Thor's wish that night or not. He either passed out, fell asleep or blocked a memory. It did not matter; he opened his eyes and saw the fabric of Thor's trousers centimetres from him, his chin resting on Thor's knee. His scalp aching, tears drying on Loki's burning cheeks. His throat was raw and sore. He tried to swallow but the bitter taste in his mouth almost made him retch. Misery. Loki was never ashamed of his self-pity, since no one else would care about his well-being and at that moment, seeing himself so utterly submitted to Thor, completely at his mercy, humiliated and used, Loki wept himself.

'Hush, Loki. Shh, there is no reason to cry. Look, the sun is rising. The night is over.'

Loki raised his head and took the risk of meeting Thor's glare. His eyes were dark and cold.

'Oh my brother, my little Loki, I'm here, hush.'

The sharp contrast between that ridiculous loving crooning and the harsh look on Thor's face made Loki shiver with fear. Was Thor mocking him? Or, perhaps, Loki only imagined the consolation. Perhaps he did lose his mind and his senses failed him. Did he really see Thor's lips moving?

'Loki, Loki, shh, my dear one, I am here. There, dry your tears, smile.'

To Loki's horror, he found himself obeying that order.

'Would you like to say something, brother?'

'I apologise, Thor. I beg your forgiveness.'

 

* * *

 

Loki could not push an annoying thought away. Deja vu, as if a part of him experienced that ordeal before, yet in a different way. It was like a riddle and Loki, when his mind was clear enough to think, tried his best to solve it. The realisation dawned on him when Thor was rubbing his back _after_ or _between_. Loki's body stiffened at the alarming thought: Thor's tone, his words, the names he called him, Loki had heard that already. Ages ago, as a child. Spoken by the one who claimed to be his father. Thor mimicked Odin.

'Loki, calm down, I am here.'

Loki knew the rest of that sentence: _my son, Pappa is here._ A violent spasm of disgust and nausea shook him. What did it mean? Loki was unsure if he wanted to know the answer.

In the next moment of lucidity, Loki found the answer. Thor discovered a shortcut to break Loki completely by taking advantage of the already formed bond based on fear and obedience. Loki was taught to obey Odin, thus someone behaving like Odin might easily achieve the same result- obedient Loki, Loki who would think ten times before crossing the line. It was almost amusing. Thor was either an idiot or a genius. Perhaps the latter because despite this knowledge, Loki was still unable to defend himself. And with time, he found out how deeply that technique affected him. More and more often he felt, he thought he was a child again. Helpless, bound by countless restrictions, unable to speak his mind or avoid disciplining. In spite of seeing Thor right beside him, he imagined Odin and the memory of the way he used to punish Loki left him sobbing. He could not tell who scared him more, perhaps Odin and Thor turned into one, impersonating Loki's biggest fear.

 

* * *

 

Loki was not entirely sure that he was truly broken. He wanted to think he would go back to his old self, if only Thor let him catch his breath. That might have been the reason why Thor did not. The pain never subsided enough to think clearly. Loki was not able to plot against Thor or attempt escaping his prison, as every time Thor left, Loki was too drained to do anything and his only wish was to sleep. Sleep was good, temporarily freeing him from the nightmare. Even when Thor was gone for hours, Loki still could hear him, his subtle threats, whispers, shouts. Loki looked around, nothing but four walls, no Thor, yet his voice was there, never letting Loki forget. Magic? Illusion? Or perhaps, Loki's madness. What if there was no Thor and no Asgard? Maybe he was in a strange land, possessed by an unknown creature, forced to experience the unimaginable torment.

 

* * *

 

Loki was half aware that Thor tried to train him, as if he was a mindless animal. Question-answer, order, obedience- and either punishment or reward. Loki struggled to keep that in mind, remember that Thor was manipulating him- but he was too distracted by rewards. Initially bewildered, he was encouraged by suddenly so patient Thor and it confused Loki so much he just followed Thor's wishes. The rewards varied depending on Loki's dedication, sometimes it was only stopping before his wounds would reopen,sometimes a big jug of ice cold water- Loki would drink half of it in one go, then use the rest to clean himself. It kept him from scheming his escape or revenge, he had something else to look for- a tiny sign of affection from Thor. What was most satisfying, though, was the fact that Thor missed one aspect of that new game: Loki had something to anticipate, struggling to deserve a reward stopped his apathy, broke the vicious circle of pain and despair.

So there were punishments and rewards but above everything else- repetition. Over and over again, till words became only a string of meaningless sounds.

'What did you do wrong, Loki?'

'Why am I upset, Loki?'

'Why are you here, Loki?'

By trial and error they established acceptable answers and Loki would repeat them until Thor was satisfied. Loki learnt the hard way that his begging was pointless, as was stating that he was too tired, too sore.

'Thor, please, you are hurting me, stop.'

'This is exactly the point, Loki,' again the tone of a concerned parent. 'It is your punishment, well-deserved. You are supposed to hurt.'

 _You are expected to learn from this pain_ , Odin would add. Loki could understand why Thor repeated Odin's words but Thor himself had heard them long time ago. Odin used to discipline him as well. Loki was only half curious of how Thor felt re-enacting this. Was it a very complicated and very indirect way of taking revenge on Odin? Assuming Odin still cared about Loki, which was very unlikely. Or maybe Thor saw Odin in Loki and made him pay for all the humiliation and frustration young Thor experienced?

 

* * *

 

Something at the back of his head told him he needed to fight back. Loki, however, barely felt any shame in giving up. Afterwards, he was always too tired. He would just lie down where Thor left him, crying unobtrusively, feeling numb and devastated.

'You and your self-pity. Are you feeling sorry for yourself, Loki?'

Loki feared leaving the question unanswered, no matter how broken he was.

'Y-yes.'

'You should not. How many of your conscious choices have led you here? How many seconds chances you received _and_ wasted? There is no need to cry now, Loki. You must have expected punishment. Now, you are forgetting something, mmm? We are not finished yet.'

Loki did not move, he was quite sure he was not able to move at all. It was too much, how could Thor expect him to...

'Loki, I am waiting,' Thor reminded coolly, he sounded annoyed. 'The longer I wait, the worse-'

'Please, I'm begging you, I cannot,' Loki kept pleading, knowing very well it was pointless. Although Loki always hoped this time it would be different. Maybe someone would save him. Maybe Thor would stop hurting him.

'Of course you can. You just do not want to.'

'I can't!'

'Very well. I assumed you could use some sleep but since you prefer crying all night, I have nothing against that.'

Loki stayed where he was, mumbling 'I can't', till his tears dried. Very reluctantly, he rose to his feet and walked over to Thor. Moments like this, when more or less willingly he complied to Thor's wishes, no matter how painful or humiliating for him, those moments were unbearable and scarred him deeply.

'Look at yourself. You hate it so much. You must think it is unfair. Are you waiting to be rescued?'

Loki started crying again and it made him choke. Thor put a hand on his forehead, gently pushing him back, so he could see Loki's reddened face, eyes glistening with tears, his lips puffy and trembling.

'You were doing so well, what is wrong now? Do you really want to waste the whole night on this pathetic bawling?'

'Nn-oo. Thor, Th-ooor, please.'

'Do you need my help?'

Loki hesitated. Thor's _help_ was not much useful, it hurt anyway but it ended faster and Loki wanted to sleep, he had no strength left to argue with Thor, thus he nodded yes.

'No, you have to say it. Say: please, Thor, help me finish.'

'Please, Thor, help me finish.'

'Brother.'

'Brother.'

Thor must have felt generous; afterwards, he gently rubbed Loki's aching jaw and wiped his tears, softly, almost lovingly. Loki looked away, at least in this way he could avoid Thor. His presence was overwhelming, there was no way out. Thor stroked his hair and crooned some nonsense to him. Loki did not understand how Thor's mood could change so abruptly. How could he be so ruthless in one moment, laughing at Loki's cries and seconds later soothe him with an undeniable affection. Was it another way of impersonating Odin? Loki could not decide, especially that Thor went absolutely berserk when one time Loki said pleadingly: 'Pappa', completely involuntary. Perhaps Loki only imagined the whole behaving-like-Odin thing. Out of fear, or to justify Thor's actions.

 

* * *

 

It was not just punishment, Loki was sure, Thor was obsessed with the power he had over Loki. The way Thor stared intently at his face, twisted with pain, how much he must have enjoyed the desperation and that silent plea in Loki's eyes. Thor would not admit it but he loved hearing his own name cried out, repeated hysterically.

 

* * *

 

It was either a defensive technique or a somnifacient of some sort in his food- Loki began to suffer from memory loss. He could not remember falling asleep, only gradual regaining of his consciousness in the middle or at the end of another session with Thor. He could not decide if it scared him or helped him. Perhaps the latter.

The most memorable time it happened was when Loki suddenly found himself cradled in Thor's arms, his eyes full of tears. Soft whispers, it was almost relaxing. Thor stroked his hair, rubbed the back of his neck and then he gripped Loki's neck forcefully and pressed Loki's face to his chest. Darkness and the lack of air. Loki twitched before realising it was a test, another test, so he kept himself from clawing at Thor, passively yet impatiently waiting for the end of this trial. The pressure grew, his head and lungs ached, yet he tried to stay relatively still. Thor did notice Loki's struggle to please him and let go of his neck. Loki gasped and coughed, still embraced by Thor.

 

* * *

 

'Now do not move.'

Loki really did try but it was so overwhelming. He closed his eyes and told himself to breathe through it. In and out, in and out, slowly. Nails digging into the palms, teeth plunged into the lower lip, _just breathe, it will be all over soon_. His toes curled, knees slightly raising. It took all of his strength to remain where he was instead of sliding down and thus avoiding that scorchingly hot pain. But he wanted to prove a point to Thor, show him he could endure the cruelest-

'Ow!'

'Ah, yes, Loki. It hurts so good, huh? Do not deny this.'

'Thor- Thor, Th-'

'Do you trust me?'

It was not the time to discuss the depth of distrust Loki held to everyone, including himself.

'Yes.'

'Good. Now you really want to be still, or you will hurt yourself.'

'What- AH!'

Crack! The horrible sound of something _breaking_ took him by surprise. Loki _felt_   the sound, the experience was so intense he did not register the wave of pain for what seemed like an eternity. A hand on his shoulder keeping him in place, his muscles all tight. Panting, not enough air reaching his lungs. He hoped that Thor appreciated his efforts and would stop this any moment.

'Relax.'

How is relaxing even possible in such a situation? Loki forced himself to breathe properly again and frantically tried to stop tensing his muscles. Maybe then Thor would end this ordeal. He knew Thor noticed his willingness when he removed his hand.

'I d-don't know how long I can last like this, please, Thor!'

The pain suddenly intensified, became blinding and suffocating, everything went black and then it stopped. Thor stepped away and Loki found himself on the floor, boneless, gasping for air. It was horrifying, gruesome and Loki could not imagine it happening again.Never again. While he considered bursting into tears, Thor lifted him gently and gave him the water.

'There, your reward. You did very well, you made me proud.'

Loki's hands were shaking so badly he feared dropping the jug. Seeing this, Thor put one hand on the back of his neck, supporting his head and helped him drink. Loki was too grateful for this to protest. He did well, he was praised and given the reward. It was worth the horror he just experienced.

 

* * *

 

Thor decided to show the whole court how he trained Loki. 'You will be an example,' he chuckled. Loki did not think Thor had to fear betrayal, he was cherished and respected, yet stepping out of that dark room even for a short time was tempting. Loki nodded feverishly to all the threats Thor uttered, all the warnings.

Thor did not tied his hand down, surely wishing to emphasise the depth of Loki's submission. Loki would not run away, he would not do anything against Thor. After a moment of hesitation, Thor grabbed a- Loki held his breath, his eyes widened, no no no, Thor promised he would never use _that_ again. Loki heard his own broken sob, his knees almost gave in. He was about to start begging frantically when Thor noticed his reaction and smirked.

'Loki, it is only a reminder for you. It depends only on your behaviour if I will use it or not. Do as I say and nothing will happen, agreed?'

 

* * *

 

The Asgardians gathered in the throne chamber held their breath when saw Loki obediently following Thor. The last time Loki was seen he held his head high and smirked beneath the muzzle, arrogant, refusing to admit his defeat. Now he seemed to be a completely different person, his eyes fixed on the floor, head bowed, tears streaming down his face. He was covered in filth, dressed in rags, and when Thor pushed him to the floor, Loki did not even attempt getting up, leaving all decisions to Thor. Loki barely registered the silence filling the chamber, where were the malicious comments and laughing, where mocking him and pointing out that he got what he deserved?

Thor grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled, forcing Loki to kneel. Now he could see the members of the court but everything was so blurry, Loki could not focus, he got used to being with Thor only. Thor asked if he had anything to say, which started a long and tearful monologue, exactly as Thor had taught him. As he spoke, or more accurately, choked out barely comprehensible apologies, Loki looked up, expecting hateful glares, smug smirks, everything but what he actually saw: sympathy. Compassion. Tears. And even more shockingly, uneasy glances at Thor. They could only imagine what Thor had to do to break Loki that much, to take away his dignity, strength, pride. Perhaps they remembered how badly Loki took disciplining as an adolescent. He used to be provocative and aggressive against his better judgement, bent on having the last word, even when Odin threaten to burn his precious books, young Loki would never bend his neck. He would utter very insincere apologies through clenched teeth, glaring venomously at the Allfather, oblivious of the consequences. Now he was weeping pathetically at Thor's feet, having swallowed his pride a long time ago.

It was Frigga who practically demanded Loki's release. To his surprise, the court nodded at her words. Thor was taken aback by such reaction. He did expect congratulations, praising him for the results he had achieved in punishing his bother. His features tensed, he gripped Loki by his neck possessively.

'Loki is staying at my side,' he announced in a low voice, challenging. 'You should have seen him when he has to consciously participate and for a moment he hesitates, not sure if the humiliation that follows would be worse than the pain of disobeying me. And he always chooses the humiliation, he does not want pain, my little coward. We cannot let anyone take him hostage, he would tell all the secrets at once.'

Odin looked down on his heir and gave a simple nod, allowing him to do as he wished. Despite that, Sif stepped forward and with all due respect pleaded Thor to let Loki go. Loki began to cry in the earnest, not because of self pity or shame. He sensed Thor's aggravation. Another of his moments of glory ruined. Loki knew he would pay for that. It became worse as the Warriors Three also voiced their concern about Loki, argumenting that he had been punished enough.

'Enough?' Thor frowned at his companions. 'It is the Trickster! A deceiver, a manipulator. What you see is what he wishes you to see. Do not let him fool you. Loki deserves a punishment to the fullest extend of the law.'

'What law?' Sif seemed astonished by her own quick reply. As was Thor.

'I beg your pardon?'

'What law allows to-'

'Thor, we all know Loki,' Fandral joined in, too concerned by the tension between Sif and Thor. 'He is vain and self-obsessed, what did you do bring him down so thoroughly that he does not care about crying in front of us?'

'How dare you question my-'

'We all hear his screaming, all the time. What you are doing- whatever it is- it's repugnant.'

Thor gritted his teeth, furious yet still composed enough to ask Loki quite calmly:

'Loki, are you ready to leave?'

Yes. _Yes_. Loki could not feel any more ready. His mind was empty, his wishes reduced to a the absolute basics, his power a sheer memory. As well as his lying abilities. Loki was afraid of opening his mouth, 'yes' might slip out without his knowledge. The crowd stared at him, Thor tightened the grip and against his reason, Loki closed his eyes and imagined being back in his chambers, all alone, safe, finally able to relax. No confrontation, no pain, just him and his books. He would close the curtains, hide under the furs on his bed and escape into the world of magic. As he used to as a child, when mocked for his physical weakness he had to hide bruises and other signs of the torment he experienced from those who technically were his subjects. Disrespected and disgraced, he had to avoid Odin- otherwise he would have to listen to another lecture: 'Why are you not more like Thor?'

 

* * *

 

The thick smell of blood and sweat in the room was even worse now. Not that Loki had time to think about it. His body was on fire, the pain immense, flaring, burning, throbbing, pulsating. Cracking sound of breaking bones. Hot blood covering his skin.

'Loki, you had one thing to do. One! Have I not explained to you the rules? You disobeyed me. I am very angry now. Tell me, what should I do to you, hmm?'

Loki wailed loudly, how could Thor ask him such questions. Choosing his own punishment was unimaginable, wrong, horrible. Suggesting something bearable would only add to Thor's fury. Loki was conflicted, he just wanted to close his eyes and fall asleep. He almost admired Thor's cruelty, involving him so deeply in his own punishment, brilliant.

'Loki.'

The first warning. There might not be a second one. In desperation, Loki pointed to the- the _thing_ Thor left at the door, even the name of it was petrifying. Loki tried to brace himself for what was to come.

'Mercy! How dared they ask for mercy!'

Thor held nothing back. Loki finally gathered enough strength to shield his head with hands, only to regret that almost immediately, as Thor _made_ him put his hands down. The lack of air, the unimaginable pressure, Loki clawed at Thor, crying, although his face burnt when salty tears met the wounds.

'They pity you now? I will make them pity you. Scream, Loki. Let them hear you.'

'Oh Thor! Too much, no, stop!'

'What should you have answered to my question?'

'NO!'

'Are you ready to leave?'

'NO!'

'Repetition is good for you, we shall practice this now. Are you ready to leave?'

'NO!'

When Thor was done, Loki was half-conscious. He lay perfectly still, careful not to move at all, he could not even sob any more, only shallow breaths to limit the movements of his chest. His left cheek pressed to the floor, Loki watched Thor pick up the jug of water, that was supposed to be the reward but Loki did not deserve it. Thor smashed the jug against the wall, water splashed in all directions. Loki felt too numb to mourn that loss. His mouth was not dry, he had plenty of blood to swallow.

 

* * *

 

Loki dreamt of savoury meat, cheeses, fish but his rewards consisted of sweets. Like blueberries soaked in liquid honey. Before long, Loki's mouth and chin and his fingers were all sticky, he knew the dirt would stick to his honeyed skin. His throat, always so sore, was now soothed with the sugary sweetness but Loki would do anything for a mouthful of water. He thought that it was the point, to merge pleasure with pain and discomfort. Or maybe Thor looked further and wanted to remind him of his childhood years when the nurses and maids exhausted by the cranky and peevish little prince in desperation fed him cookies, hoping the Allmother would not notice. Loki was most bemused. Was he overinterpreting Thor's actions? All he knew for sure was that those cloying treats were nauseating.

 

* * *

 

'Tho-or! You promised!'

'Oh. Oh, in that case, I ought to stop, would not you agree, my dear? My dear brother?'

'Ple-ease, Thor'

'How does it feel to be lied to?'

Loki buried his face in his hands, knowing he lost again. Despite his efforts, somehow he deserved this.

'Horrible.'

'Precisely. It is very unpleasant. I had to endure your lies far too long. I have been too good for you, I should have done this a long time ago.'

'Thor, I-'

'You have brought this on yourself. Whom can you blame, Loki?'

'Myself.'

 

* * *

 

Thor never tied his hands down. Before. Loki was always too weak to fight back. Also, the pain was more bearable when he could grab his own arms and rake the skin with his nails. That might have been the reason why Thor was now twisting a rope around his wrists. When Thor finished, Loki hesitantly moved his hands, only to irritate the skin. He told himself to be still but soon his wrists were bleeding from the touch of the rough rope. He did not protest, he did not resist. Thor found someone to vent his anger on without any consequences. It was Loki, after all, the villain, the traitor. Furthermore, Loki knew the addictive taste of violence. How delicious it is to overpower someone, disarm them, watch their struggle. How easy it is to forget about morality. How could he blame Thor, he would have done the same thing.

 

* * *

 

'My son, you are very brave.'

Loki would have laughed hearing this, neither was he their son nor was he considered courageous. Mocked for ages for his fondness of magic, deemed unworthy. But it was a dream, he dreamt about Frigga paying him a visit.

'The whole palace, everyone knows Thor has gone mad. Even his loyal friends come to me, begging for your release. I tried to convince your father to confront Thor but he is stubborn, you know him. He is loath to admit his attempt at teaching Thor a lesson eventually failed. Thor is blinded by the power he has over you, falsely convinced he has the right to torture you.'

Oh, would it not be nice to hear something like that? Sadly, he could not expect sympathy from anyone, especially not from his family.

'Listen to me Loki, listen well. You are my son and you are not forgotten. Do not let Thor manipulate you, remember you loved and cherished, and we will not abandon you. Here, look, Sif wrote you a letter.'

 

* * *

 

Finally Loki found enough strength to attempt escaping his prison. He did not know what he would do then, leaving the palace without his magic would be at least difficult. It did not matter, he had to try.

The window was too small. The door, then. Loki placed his hand on the handle, a deep breath and slowly, slowly, he pushed the handle down, expecting the door to be locked, of course it would be locked. Of course.

It was not. The door opened. It was unlocked. Loki stared at half-open door, dramatically slowly processing the information. Thor did not lock him. It did not make any sense. Why? Was he that sure Loki would never even think of escaping? Or was it a trap?

Something was blocking the door, Loki could not open it wide enough to leave the room. Without much thinking, he grabbed the handle with one hand, the other placed on the other side of the door to give a sharp yank. He never did. A violent spasm of pure pain took his breath away, he fell to the floor, not understanding what even happened. A prolonged high-pitched whine on his lips, eyes tightly shut. His left palm was bleeding. The cut was awfully deep, blood pooling in his curled up hand. After a few moments, Loki managed to get up, bracing himself against the wall. Carefully, he examined the other side of the door. A blade, thin and sharp, was attached to it. How very, very, very clever. What an impressive trap. Brilliant, Thor. He knew Loki would try his luck sooner or later, the blade patiently waited for him. He did not remember how Thor opened the damned door, always too sore or too scared to pay attention to such details.

So there was no way out. Loki closed the door. Time to hide the traces. Loki tried to stop the bleeding and to wipe the blood from the floor. If only he could use magic. Thor would notice fresh blood, Loki though, licking his injured hand. It was pointless, the wound would not heal fast enough. Maybe Thor would not check his palm. Loki sighed, defeated. Of course Thor would notice his injury straight away and punish him accordingly. All Loki could do was to wait. Wait for more pain. He began to shiver, his teeth were chattering. No way he could hide it from Thor.

An hour or two later, he heard the footsteps, Thor was coming. The door opened smoothly, as if nothing was blocking it. Or was it just Thor's strength. It did not matter. Loki forced himself to breathe in and out, slowly, to stop the trembling. He looked so guilty. Thor knew, must have known. Loki's heart was pounding, Thor surely heard it and he knew.

Thor stood in the middle of the chamber, looking down on Loki with a kind, sympathetic expression, he knew. It was just another way of manipulating Loki, he wanted Loki to lose his senses, make him paranoidal. It worked.

'How was your day, brother? Anything interesting happened?' Thor's tone was light, nothing about him suggested he was furious inside but he was, Loki was sure about that. Thor was tormenting him, forcing him to literally beg for more pain. 'Hmm?'

Loki frantically calculated his options. Admitting his deed would not grant him any mercy. He could take his chances and lie, hoping Thor did not notice the blood. He might fall to Thor's knees and apologise. Either way, it would hurt.

'Do you remember, Loki, how you always preferred cold? Avoided sun? Slept with the window opened in winter? And how we all thought you were overly dramatic when you burnt your hand because you wailed for hours? Do you remember that?'

Loki shook his head no. No, no. He sensed the threat behind those words. He guessed the form of punishment. He did remember that awful pain, he spent half of the day with his hand in a bowl of ice cold water. How nice of Thor to remind him that.

'I think you do. On a completely different note, you forgot to clean the blood from the blade, my dear.'

Dammit! How could he miss something so obvious! Loki cursed himself, he could not think clearly in this chamber. What a shame. Thor knew, Loki tried to brace himself, prepare for what had to follow.

'Give me your hand,' Thor demanded. Loki hesitantly obeyed, Thor gripped his wrist, examining the wound.

'It looks bad. It will be worse. You just have to prove me wrong whenever I think you are worth of my trust. So, did you recall your burning accident? How you curled up on the floor, screaming? How awful was the smell of the burnt flesh?'

'Yes,' Loki whispered. He never expected Thor to remember such details. But he did and he knew how to make the punishment utterly unbearable.

'Tell me what you did. Tell me you deserve.'Thor asked softly. The bastard wanted Loki to admit his wrong, to beg for punishment. It was not the first time, oh, no. But it never stopped being horribly difficult. Quite often they would spend an hour or two stuck at this stage because Loki was too reluctant to talk. Thor did not ask twice, just waited patiently, staring at Loki.

'I- I wanted to escape. I opened the door,' he said what Thor already knew. It was rewarded with an encouraging smile. Ah, yes, now the other part, begging for the pain. 'I deserve- deserve-'

'Mmm?'

'Punishment,' Loki murmured. He did not sound honest enough for Thor's liking, so he added: 'I am sorry, brother, sorry for disobeying you.'

'Thank you for saying that, yet it is no enough. You need to learn the hard way.'

Afterwards Thor stayed there, holding Loki in a tight embrace. It hurt. Loki barely dared breathing. The pulsating pain in his injured hand made him speechless, unable to even whimper. Thor nuzzling at his neck, rubbing his back. A complete silence.

 

* * *

 

Loki was standing in the middle of the chamber, facing the small window. He could not focus on the sight- Thor was standing behind him, another of his games. Just standing there, allowing Loki to taste the fear of the unknown. Minutes, hours, counting was pointless. His body was extremely tense, expecting a rush of pain any second. He did not know what Thor was doing literally behind his back. He could not see his face, estimate the danger. Would it end in hot tears again? Being so exposed, vulnerable, unable to defend himself, it was killing him. Slowly his world reduced to the faint sounds Thor was making. Loki deduced he was holding Mjolnir, a hand sliding down the leather-covered handle, nails scratching the metal. Loki had a very rich imagination, now it was only adding to his suffering. Then, he heard something else, a sound he remembered from his days in the library. Fingers rubbing the paper. Thor could not be reading a book now, not only was he a barbarian but also had difficulties with multitasking. Torturing Loki was enough to occupy his mind. Then... Loki's breath hitched. The letter. The damn letter. Was that Sif's goal? To incriminate Loki? To infuriate Thor, so he would lash out Loki? Loki's instinct told him to flee, he almost moved forward but he knew it would only worsen his already bad situation. Frustration and fear made him cry.

'Loki, we did not even start, why are you snivelling?' Thor's voice again sounded so deceptively calming. Loki shuddered, unsure what was worse: telling the truth or staying silent.

'Did you do something wrong? Did you break one of our rules? Need I punish you?'

Loki was too confused to reply. His mind was empty. He did not know the answer. He closed his eyes, focused on visualising a hot bath with scented oils, long and relaxing, a soft towel wrapped around his clean body.

'I think you did, Loki. More even, I know that for sure. You defied me again, did you not?'

Crisp white sheets, a comfortable vast bed. Candlelight, silence.

'Honestly, Loki, at this point you should have known better.'

The cold touch of the sheets, a fresh smell, Loki would hide entirely under the sheets, safe from any danger, and he would sleep soundly, finally without nightmares.

'You are being suspiciously quiet today. Loki, do you mind telling me what it is? If you are not too busy plotting against me, this is.'

Thor handed Loki the letter over his shoulder. Loki's hand was shaking so much he was afraid of dropping it.

'A letter,' he choked out, desperately clinging to the clean bed vision. Squashy pillows, smooth bedspread. Feeling pure again, undamaged, free.

'Yes, a letter. Please, read it.'

Sif's handwriting was as bold as she was, easy to read.

'"Loki, fear no-" THOR! No, please!'

'I did not ask for your begging, did I? Keep reading, what an interesting message.'

'I swear, Thor, I had no idea tha- NO!'

'I said, keep reading.'

And Loki did, not hearing himself, oblivious of the meaning of the words that slipped from his mouth. When he finished, Thor finally raised his voice, shouting as if he wanted Sif to hear him.

'You will never leave this room! You are mine and you will never leave!'

 

* * *

 

Thor brought food and wine. Sat down next to Loki, on the floor, obviously intending to feed him. Loki felt nauseous and absolutely not hungry, his stomach clenching painfully at the rich aroma of the wine. He was in no position to argue with Thor; moreover, he knew he needed food to survive this. He had troubles with swallowing, his throat seemed to be blocked. One painful mouthful after another, what a sophisticated torture. Thor took a sip of the wine and said with genuine content:

'Good boy.'

Either this insult itself or the smell of Thor's winey breath made Loki retch and he vomited violently on Thor's legs. Head bowed, coughing and spitting, he awaited Thor's fury over wasting the food and making a mess.

'Look at yourself, Loki. Look how disgusting you are. How repulsive.'

Loki knew that even without looking.

'I am too good for you. Too lenient. You never appreciate what you have. You are ungrateful. You had everything you needed but you were too greedy.'

Loki nodded because it was true. Thor was right. Loki regretted most of his life choices.

A bottle pushed into his hand, the wine. That would be even worse for his weak stomach but Loki did not protest. Bittersweet taste, fire burning inside of him. He felt lightheaded almost immediately but obediently kept drinking. Suddenly nothing mattered anymore. He passively watched Thor getting closer, pushing the wine and the remaining food away and he could not bring himself to care. Eyes fixed on the ceiling, thin zigzag cracks, all his senses pleasurably numb with the alcohol. Loki closed his eyes and slowly drifted away.

 

* * *

 

Loki kept recalling the throne chamber incident. He would never let Thor know but he thought he had paid for his wrongs. Power, magic, the throne, nothing held any importance now, nothing was tempting enough to risk another punishment. He could not remember his motivations, goals, plots. A bed and a book, no Thor, that was all he wanted now. Loki imagined he would spend days and nights in his chambers, buried under soft furs with a book, trying to erase shameful memories. Would it be possible to forget what was happening now? Was Loki able to live without fear? Perhaps in his rooms, surrounded by things he was fond of, maybe that would help. Or he would just awake screaming in the middle of the night, frightened, covered in sweat. Knowing, oh, knowing that Thor was on the same floor, always prepared to punish him.

 

* * *

 

Hunger. Loki imagined entering the kitchen and devouring everything he could find there. Roasted meat, fried fish, the buttery casserole, mmm, he remembered melted butter shining on his fingers. Spicy stews, Loki would burn his tongue, too impatient to blow on them. And Thor brought him more fruit with honey. Loki felt sick just from looking at it. When Thor gave him the bowl, Loki thought he would not stand it anymore and finally asked:

'Why fruit with honey? What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Just tell me, please, it drives me crazy.'

'You think too much, Loki,' Thor gave him a warm smile. 'This is your problem- you overthink the most trivial things, the most unimportant details. I want to free you from this. I wish to simplify your life. You eat what I give you and when I want you to, is that not easier?'

No, Loki thought, no. He took the bowl and deliberately threw it on the floor, not even bothering with pretending it was an accident. There, he rebelled. He steeled himself expecting Thor's anger, shouting and pain, pain, pain.

'Loki,' Thor sounded awfully calm, it scared Loki more than a violent outburst. 'Loki, still spoilt and prideful. Have you not learnt anything? Do you really need to be overwhelmed with pain to show me some respect?'

Loki bit his lip not to say yes.

'You are more privileged than any of your victims. You are alive, unlike them. I thought, how naive I was, I thought you learnt something, yet here you are, vain and expecting everything you want handed on a silver platter. You will now learn to appreciate what you are given.'

Now, now he would lash out on Loki. That would be the lesson, Loki thought, bracing himself, hoping he would not start crying immediately.

'Do you remember the first time I had to punish you? When you were a child? You broke my- what was it, a wooden sword or a toy, it does not matter now, the point is that you did something wrong and you neither apologised nor felt any remorse, you just wanted to go with me to the gardens, hmm? And what did I do?'

'I do not remember.'

'Well, tell me when you recall this.'

Thor left the chamber, locking the door behind him. Loki laughed nervously. What a punishment, a day without Thor. Did he honestly expect Loki to apologise?

 

* * *

 

He did not come back the following day. Loki finally had time to cool down, gather his thoughts, rest. Without the daily punishment, Loki mind came back onto the old tracks and he daydreamt about killing Thor in the slowest and most cruelest way. Thor's absence was puzzling, Loki hoped Thor died. Someone might have poisoned him. He might have fallen of the horse. Maybe Sif slit his throat. Loki entertained himself picturing all possible causes of Thor's death.

On day two, Loki's stopped cursing Thor, too hungry and too thirsty to plot his revenge. He kept eyeing the honeyed fruit scattered on the floor. It began to rot and looked very unappetising. Loki's newly regained dignity did not allow him to eat it. Also, Thor would come back and see the mess, he would know Loki did not eat from the floor. Was it a test of his self-control? Very well.

On day three, he ate the rotting fruit. He licked the dirty floor, crying. It was disgusting, not filling him properly, he had to breathe deeply to avoid vomiting. The thirst was unbearable. Loki thought about wine, mead, water; full glasses, jugs, bottles. Dew, rivers, seas. Water. Cascades of the crystal clear water. Ice cold water. Ice. Anything. He would drink from a puddle. His mouth was dry, swallowing was a torture. Thor would come anytime and Loki had to stop crying, Thor was supposed to admire his inner strength.

Day four was an endless headache. Loki saw Thor several times, only to realise it was a hallucination. He begged for water, any water, even dirty or warm. His heart was pounding in his chest as if he had been running for hours, while the only thing he did was knocking on the locked door and calling Thor. He told himself he could go back to hating Thor after drinking litres of water. Water. At first he shouted all the things Thor had made him say, hoping that would grant his mercy, then he could only cry out 'Thor, water'. It was not helping that it was hot in the room. Or at least, Loki felt hot. Hot and nauseous. Against his better judgement, he cried, dehydrating further and wasting his energy.

'Thor! Thor!'

He could swear he heard footsteps, Thor must have been on the other side of the door, listening to Loki. He was taunting him. Savouring his defeat.

Loki lied. He did remember the first punishment. Was he three or four? He was old enough to stop being with Frigga the whole time, so she did not save him from Thor. He was angry at Loki but it was an accident and Loki feared Thor stopped loving him and that was the worst thing he could imagine. So, Thor pushed him into the bathroom, left him alone and locked the door. It did not take long. Loki cried hysterically: 'Thor, I want to go with you, Tho-oor, I want to go with you,' scared beyond reason that he was abandoned forever. 'Thor, I want to go with you! Thooor!'

Loki hoped Thor really was in the hall, waiting for one, one sentence he wanted to hear.

'Thor, I want to go with you!' Loki did not recognise his voice, too hoarse. 'Thor, I want to go with you!'

He repeated that until he passed out.

 

Was it another day? Loki could not tell. He lay at the door, forcing himself to call Thor but his mouth was too dry, his tongue too swollen. He shook uncontrollably, _Thor, I want to go with you_ , the skin on his lips breaking, he tasted blood. Constant noise in his head, was it a thunder outside or the beat of his tired heart? _Thor, I want to go with you_. Loki would do everything to stop this, he would comply to all Thor's wishes, oh, how he regretted his outburst. He found out he regretted a lot of things. _Thor, I want to go with you_. He could have sworn he felt the touch of Thor's hands, heard his voice, oh, please, Thor. Please. His muscles ached, the pain grew stronger, he thought his throat was literally on fire. _Thor, I want to go with you._

 

Thor did come. Loki missed that moment, too delirious to notice anything. He did get the water. Thor took care of him, so patiently and gently, Loki was so grateful, so grateful, he did think he was left to die, alone. But Thor came. Every time Thor had to leave, Loki clung to him desperately, begging, apologising, promising, _just please do not go_. He could not survive without Thor. This pleased Thor, he stroked Loki's hair, saying: 'Good boy, that's a good boy, very good, that's right,' and Loki cried, it was all he wanted to hear. He never defied Thor again, allowing him to decide about all aspects of his life. It was better, Thor was wiser, more composed, he knew how to keep Loki from trouble. Loki was beholden to Thor and he never forgot about this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so tired of this story. The second chapter killed me. I cannot.
> 
> 'Pappa' because Loki is Norwegian and this is how norsk barn call their daddies.
> 
> Silly alternative ending: 
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/1170800


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